For Honor
by Malice Shaw
Summary: A look into Yuuhi's heart, and through his own words as to why he cannot let himself persue with Aya. Written after the series ended. (Sorry for the mass spoilerish in the summery)


**For Honor.   
************

For honor. Right. 

For honor. I'm in love her, but I can't touch her. For honor, I can't be with her, cherish her, love her to the ends of whole damned earth, but I can't. It's torture to me, seeing her every day, making her meals, seeing her smile up at me while holding that baby. She's so scared, so alone in this world despite what happened with Aki and Ceres. She's been through Hell and back, and still with me and Suzumi. With her baby. That child is the last remaining piece of you she has, that child, he is one of the few things that keeps me away from her heart. She named him after you, ya know. She named him after you. 

"Tooya!" I can hear her shout his, your name, even if it no longer belongs to you. "Tooya get back here!" 

I can sense the stubburness of her voice, the tired feel of her body as it's engulfed in fatigue day after day. Bags have grown under her eyes and they've lost their bright blue vibrance of innocence she's always had. Her face is tired and her voice lost it's shrill sweetness and grown quiet, and her heart has grown cold as it still mourns. She carries that seashell close to her heart, even if it's been so long since you've passed. Gone away and left her to me like you promised. Two years was a fantasy. You withered into nothing after two months, and then your child was born, and she gave him your name. I watched her hold that baby, her sweat drenched hair pressing against her temple and forhead as she carried that child in her arms. Do you know how much I wanted that child to be _mine?_ How much I wanted little Tooya to be named after my departed brother, as I promised my first son to be named? I wanted in her arms the perfect mix of us, of eachother, of the love I have for her combined into one another to form a human being. Her eyes. My hair, maybe. Or maybe just like Aki, her twin brother. 

But for honor, I won't say a word. For all she knows I've just lost the feeling of her next to me, how each time she says my name I still get pleasant chills. I live with the woman I love, and yet she doesn't love me. It's been three years since her true other passed, and everytime I wanna make my move, hone in on her, kiss her, touch her, taste her.. 

I don't know what I'm saying anymore. 

It's just bullshit. 

"Tooya, there you are." Her sweet voice whispers behind me. The child coos up at his mother, loving her in every way. "My sweet little Tooya.. Yuuhi?" 

Damn. My name sounds so beautiful on her lips. "Aya!? Hey! What're you doin' out here?" 

"I was just walking outside with.. Tooya." She whispered. I can see her hand go unconciously to her breast, pressing against the sea shell underneath her shirt. "And he ran away from me. Kids!" 

"Yeah.. Kids!" God she's beautiful. "So how ya doin' Aya?" 

And she tosses back her golden hair and gives me a smile, her tired eyes surveying the grounds. "I'm fine. But Tooya is such a big bother sometimes. I wouldn't give him up for the world, but I would give up anything else for a few minutes alone.." 

"Oh yeah, I know whatcha mean." I searched my mind for something decent to say, and could only come out with something really stupid. "That's what you get when you're knocked up and not expecting it." 

Aya paled then, her silky skin becoming milk white in the dim evening light. Mentally I kicked myself over and over again, cursing my ignorance for saying such words to her She was Aya Mikage, and she had been to hell and back with losing her truest of loves and her whole family in less than a year. Who was I, some love sick puppy who can cook a good meal and care for her while fawning after her body as she slept with her child in her arm. I caught my reflection in her big blue eyes and wanted to throw myself over a cliff right then and there. Suzumi would be laughing her hindquarters off at me right now, with myself practically swimming in my own drool over a woman I can never have. But she's just so damned _beautiful_ it hurts to not look at her and see the untarnished beauty that she'll always remain, even if the tired lines around her face from creating a child too young caused. 

"Shit, I'm sorry." I whispered back, ashamed to even look at her anymore. "Aya, forgive me?" 

"It's alright." Aya mumbled back. Little Tooya is in her arms now, and nestling against her chest. "But Yuuhi, I don't regret my son." 

"I'm not saying you-" 

"No, I know what you're saying." Aya snaps back at me. The fire she used to hold is beggining to burn again, and I can see the annoyance in her features. "I know. I screwed up, with my family, with Shuro. Now, with the father of my child. But I'd never change anything about it, ever. If me being Ceres would have given me the few moments I had with Tooya, then I'd do it a thousand fold before I'd regret it, and even then I wouldn't change it." 

I winced then, and opened my mouth to speak only to have her hush me with her finger. "No, let me continue. I have little Tooya now, and he's more to me than anyone ever will be. My Tooya is gone, but he lives on inside of our son. It's the only way we can be together, for now, but for me it's okay. Because I don't regret anything." She let out a sad sigh and turned away, pressing her palm to her chest. "I'll always love Tooya. I'll always miss him. He'll be here, always." 

I never felt so lonely in all my life. I ran around protecting this girl, killed for this girl, gave my home and heart up for this girl, hell I wore a _dress_ for this girl, and this is how she truely felt. No matter what I did she would always love Tooya, and every man in existance would pale in comparison to the Great Child of Ten Nights. See, this is what Honor is. Aya's vulnerable, scared. I could easily force myself on her and she would take me like it is, take it like it was and become mine if I really applied myself hard enough. I would take the child into my heart too, just for the chance to be with her and grow to love it like Suzumi grew to love me. 

It would be possible.. 

_**(**for honor**)**_

..If I still wasn't in love with her. 

"I still miss him." She whispered then, snapping me from my thoughts. "Oh God.. it hurts so much Yuuhi.." I look to her and notice the crystal blue tears on her face, falling down like liquid diamonds into the soft ground. She looks at me now, and whsipers something under her breath while lifting a hand to my face. Her cool palm contacts my cheek and I get those chills, the same pleasant tingle I recieve everytime she touches me, if it's a hug or just an accidental brush up against my body. Any contact with her leaes me breathless and I wonder, how, on earth could I have let her go with out a fight? 

_**(**for honor**)**_

"Yuuhi.." She's still touching me, holding me, carresing me with her fingers. Her hand gingerly trails across my neck and makes me feel alive again, whole, complete. I love her, but she doesn't want me, but maybe if I can take this tonight.. 

_**(**for honor**)**_

'No..' My mind cries out. Her lips decend to mine an she lets them linger, waiting my reaction, which I cannot refuse. I kiss her back, and stroke her neck, holding her close to me. I can have tonight, even if it's just _one_ night, it's more than I ever could have from her again. My gift from her, that I asked from her so long ago was never given to me. She offered but my body failed me when I needed it most. If I could take it now, ignore my mind and listen to my heart.. 

_**(**for honor**)**_

"Stop, Aya..." I said in a hushed whisper. She doesn't heed my calls and pulls me closer, kissng my neck as her scent takes my senses into a euphoric overdrive. I missed this so much, her kisses, her touches, everything. I never knew how much I loved her, needed her, until she was taken away from me by Tooya. How cruel was I, to deny her love, when my own heart yearned for hers as well as his? She bore his child, I want her to bear my children, have a family with me, stay with me forever and never leave. This has to be stopped before it goes any further. Why can't I stop it? 

_**(**for honor**)**_

For her everything for her. I lifted my hand to her collar bone and stroke her skin, inciting a whimper from her throat that danced in my ears. I needed this, I needed her. Honor, I don't need honor, I need her, I need her child, our children. Anything and everything I need she has, and I want it so bad. It's been too damned long, since Chidori's affections died with her, and Aya's left to Tooya. Honor, screw honor I need her and I need this. It's been too damned _long_ since she's touched me, excited me like this with her own will and not with just the pure beautiful sight of her. 

_**(**for honor**)**_

I lowered my hand when I felt it break against her skin. 

_**(**for honor**)**_

She pulled away roughly and shook out her shirt. The sea shell, broken in four pieces fell out of her blouse and to the floor, clinking lightly with the only sounds of the night. Little Tooya started whimpering, murmering and began to wail. She pulled him close and was unable to hide her own tears as they fell to his cheek, mixing with his own. I press into her arm and motion for her to hand the child to me, and she lets me take him for one of the few times I let myself be taken in by his beauty. He was an absolutely wonderful child, gentle in every way and didn't deserve my hatred but every time someone spoke of his name, and I saw his face he reminded of the beauty that I lost to the Great Child of Ten Nights. 

His whimpering ceased and Aya looked at me in amazement, blinking back her freshly sprung tears. "He... He likes you Yuuhi." 

"Yeah." I murmer back, gingerly bouncing the child on my knee. "I guess he does." 

_**(**for honor**)**_ For the honor of this child, and the memory of Tooya, I grant myself the honor of holding them both dear to my hearts. I can never replace Tooya, ever, with this young man on my knee who would grow to look up to me as theeh father he never had, or will ever meet until Mana spurts into the sea once more, and even then he will never know him. I cannot take away the memory of Tooya from Aya's mind, and cannot forge a new bound thoughts of the man into this boy's head, but I can create new memories for him to cherish for as long as he sees fit, and lives. The last living child of the Mikage clan, a possible Tennyo in his own right due to he being concieved when Ceres coveted his mother, he will need guidance in how to control his powers. 

For that honor I am cherished. 

_**(**for honor**)**_

For this honor of his mother I am blessed. 

_**(**for honor**)**_

I see now, as I look into the boys' smiling, gleaming face how I feel. It scares me, how the child will react in his future, to be a surrogate father and not being able to love the mother. For the honor of Tooya's memory, I will always protect them, serve my life to them, take care of them in every way I see fit possible, and make their lives better than they had ever thought before. 

This is an honor I bestow upon myself, even if I can't wear the badge freely with out doubt. I can't control how I loe his mother, and now I realize I can't control how I love him. I love this child, and feel myself growing to love him as my own as each moment this evening passes by. He is nestled against me, his arm lazily flung around my waist and his quiet snoring lulling Aya and I both. 

I give one last glance to Aya and she to me. Our eyes meet and scenes of unborn children dance in her eyes, and the past of when I saw myself lying helpless in her arms when I needed to be. She wants to kiss me, I can sense it, and I would give anything for that moment until another memory flashes back into the back of my mind. 

_...take care of aya and our child... please, yuuhi.._

Tooya... 

_**(**for honor**)**_

"We should be getting inside now, Aya." I whisper, turning away. I can feel her being rejected and I scorn myself for it, I don't want to hurt her at all but that is how she feels. She reaches over and takes the sleeping baby from my lap and stops for a moment, letting her eyes wash over me one more time before retreating to her own room, leaving me stranded outside on the porch. 

_**(**for honor**)**_

I will love the Mikage woman to the ends of the earth and beyond. But.. 

_**(**for honor**)**_

...I can never let her love me back. It is the price, the heavy price I must pay.. 

_**(**for honor**)**_

For her. 


End file.
